10 Reasons You Should Never Ever Move to Missouri – Really

This will hopefully save you some time. If you don't currently live in Missouri, but are considering it, this helpful guide will give you an understanding about why that's a very bad idea. Really.

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I could share 200, but let's keep this simple. Here are 10 reasons to not load a moving truck to make Missouri your home.

Don't pay any attention to beautiful pictures of the legendary Mississippi River or the gorgeous Ozarks. That's just a mirage. Nothing to see here. Move on.

Waterskiing at Lake of the Ozarks, riding the Mark Twain Riverboat in Hannibal, exploring caves...that stuff is so boring.

Disregard the actual statistics that show only St. Louis, Kansas City and Springfield as dangerous places while the rest of the state is very safe. Imagine the worst episode of Cops and forget that most Missouri families live peaceful lives.

Have you heard that Missouri has Six Flags, Worlds of Fun and Silver Dollar City? That's only a rumor. That sound of rollercoasters you hear must be from someplace else.

Do you have friends that say they caught a lot of fish in Missouri? They must be misremembering. Fish don't bite at Bennett Springs or any of the other many Missouri waterways. Fake news.

Think those people in the picture are happy? They're not. Someone must have just given them a puppy or something.

There are no good sports teams in Missouri. The recent Super Bowls won by the Kansas City Chiefs are not important. Oh, and the 11 St. Louis Cardinals World Series titles were so yesterday. Plus, it's been 4 years since the St. Louis Blues won the Stanley Cup also.

Yes, Missouri has the Gateway Arch which you can ride to the top of, but it's not like anyone in America recognizes that thing.

Other than Mark Twain, Brad Pitt, John Goodman, Chuck Berry, Jon Hamm, Jenna Fischer, Kathleen Turner, Jean Harlow, JC Penney, Jesse James, Vincent Price, Kevin Kline and about 30 others, not many famous people have called Missouri home.

Forget about meditating about life while the Mississippi River rolls by or chilling while watching a sunset over an old church or barn or one of Missouri's many vast farmland scenes. You'll never find peace here, so forget about it already.