Aww, and here I was starting to think it would be a slow day.

Okay, try to keep up here. I’m gonna run through this one pretty fast.
So, we have this pig. Looks like a normal pig, I guess. I don’t know anything about pigs. They’re delicious. That’s pretty much it.

This pig appears to be on the Memorial Bridge just chillin’ on the side watching the masses come into Illinois with (presumably) fireworks, cigarettes, and cheap gas. Don’t know how he got there. He just got there, kay?

So Ashley Vollbracht of Quincy does what any upstanding citizen would do in this situation: she calls the cops. They probably think this is an unfunny joke at first (pig…cop…get it?) but nonetheless, they call it in.

Ashley parks her car on the bridge (which is illegal, but they’ll probably let her off) and starts directing traffic around the pig. WCIL Radio initially reports the pig is climbing over the side of the bridge (NO PIG! YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR!) and eventually retracts that saying the pig is just standing there and is not…ugh…”sooeycidal”.

According to an eyewitness:

“I’m not bacon this up! I had never sausage a thing. It’s a porcine of the times, really. I don’t want to sound swiney and I hate to boar you with all the details as I don’t want to hog your entire day, but I hope that pig faces re-pork-cussions.”

(Yeah, I just made that last part up.)