Whatever you are doing, please stop it now. The Duchess is pregnant. That's not my advice, by the way. That seems to be what the press thinks you should do. Of all the incredibly important things happening in the world right now, a British EPT test result is number one. Forgive me if I choose not to abide by this royalty pregnancy preoccupation.

According to Wikianswers (and we know the internet never lies), there are nearly 490,000 babies born each day. So, I must wonder why we should care any more about this child than the other 489,999?

No doubt that a child is nothing short than a gift directly from God. They should all be cherished. But, for the life of me, I can't understand why celebrity makes this more meaningful than the rest. Is our Dancing With The Stars/TMZ culture really this obsessed?  Plus, this one is likely to have really big ears.

But, hey, I'm willing to pay tribute to a royal baby.  How about a rousing version of the Benny Hill Show theme?!?

I promise that I will be just as happy for you if you find out you're expecting (unless of course you are a dude in which case, we're calling The Enquirer).