I Tried the Whopperrito So You Don’t Have To

Ever see The Fly, with Jeff Goldblum? He's a mad scientist who becomes a grotesque half-man/half-insect monstrosity after a failed experiment. It's a gross, disgusting, graphic film. If you find yourself wanting to try the new Whopperito from Burger King, make sure you have that film handy because you'll need something to calm your stomach after chowing down culinary equivalent of Garth Brooks' Chris Gaines phase.

If pressed, I'd have a hard time deciding my favorite between burgers and burritos. They're both so deliciously exquisite in their own delightful ways. They hit the spot right when it's needed. So why not try mashing the two together? If I'm not mistaken, Applebee's has had the Quesadilla Burger around for a while. It's similar in theory. Take a burger, put it in a tortilla, and BOOM, deliciousness. Simple, right?

Nope. Applebee's somehow figured it out. It's not enough that they put a burger in a tortilla. They they made it taste like it belonged on a tortilla. Then they fried it like you're supposed to so the tortilla is warm, the cheese is melty... it all just works. The Whopperrito tastes like you pulled a regular Whopper out of the bag, went to eat, but, OH NO! all the contents spilled out of the buns, and fortuitously onto a tortilla. How lucky of you.

It's lazy, uninspired, and makes me wish I was vegan so I never would have been tempted to try it in the first place.

OK... that was a bit harsh. But the point remains. The Whopperrito is not your friend. The Whopperrito is out there. It can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead.

I imagine this is what it's like inside Burger King HQ right about now: