"Eggnog, who thought that one up? 'I want to get a little drunk, but I also want some pancakes!'"

- Dave Attell

I've had regular, non-boozified eggnog. I've had the nog with bourbon, whiskey and rum (not all at the same time). But at no point have I had GOOD eggnog. As in, I've never finished a glass and thought to myself "Mmmm... I'm glad I drank that." It's not a comforting drink. It's not refreshing. It doesn't warm you. At best, it doesn't leave you with a stomach ache. But the last time I had it, I was down for two days with some serious gastrointestinal problems, and my brother-in-law swore it was fresh eggnog.

There are so many better Christmas/Wintertime beverages. Hot cider and hot cocoa, both of which are delicious on their own, and with booze. Can't go wrong with the classics like tea and coffee. And then there's all the seasonal craft brews that are out right about now. We are not at a loss for things to drink during Christmas time. So why do we routinely put up with a thick, creamy glass of salmonella? It's the beverage equivalent of fruitcake. No one really likes it, but somehow it has become a holiday tradition, so we put up with its existence.

Well no more! Let's all agree to opt out of the eggnog "tradition" and hopefully phase it out until future hipsters resurrect it for some stupid reason. In the immortal words of Captain Jean Luc Picard, "The line must drawn here! This far! No further." Granted he was talking about the Borg blowing up Earth, not eggnog. Though when you think about it, an evil alien species bent on wiping out all traces of humanity is an accurate description for eggnog.

Be right back... I have some Wikipedia editing to do.