Careful Examination of U.S. Constitution Reveals Phil Robertson Controversy is Not a National Crisis

Phil Roberston, patriarch of the popular Robertson family of 'Duck Dynasty' fame, has come under fire for expressing controversial opinions regarding topics such as homosexuality and race in a recent GQ article. Outrage over the comments was followed by yet even more outrage over Robertson's suspension from 'Duck Dyanasty' by television network A & E. Further outrage over the amount of attention the story has received on social media - most notably Facebook and Twitter - has been outrageous.

It is estimated that the number of posts, comments, likes, and retweets regarding the story has surpassed 1 bazillion-gillion, more, by far, than any other topic of national importance, such as grumpy cats, daily horoscopes, Miley Cyrus twerking, or Candy Crush scores. It should be noted that the controversy has still not resulted in any Facebook pokes, as no one has ever been able to figure out just what a "poke" is.

Interestingly, it turns out that regardless of how many Americans have opinions regarding Phil Robertson's opinions, the issue does not constitute a National Crisis, according to experts. In fact, USHistory.org's list of signers of the Declaration of Independence does not even include a single person with the last name of Robertson. Even if it did, scholars say that the matter would still not raise to a level requiring hourly updates to the President, Vice-President, Chief Justice, Speaker of the House, and U.N. Security Council, though it is suspected that they are all receiving such updates, anyway.

A & E is a television network whose initials once stood for "arts and entertainment," but has not had a serious show related to either topic in years. A humorous twist to the story is that the only A & E show that the average American could name, even after being given a half hour to think about it, is 'Duck Dynasty.'